Modern Dating vs. Courting

Jessica Quach

            It’s funny how things have progressed over the years when it comes to love. “Courting” has led to the idea of “dating” and all the rules that encompassed this kind of relationship between two people have been modified and amended. Many different images come to mind when I think of courtship as opposed to dating. However, both can be considered transitional periods in a person’s life.

The act of "bundling". The suitor and his love interest must
sleep with aboard in between them or in bundling sacs.

            As I mentioned before, courting can be misconstrued as “dating” in modern times. Courting was practiced when two people wanted to express their “sexual desires”—something that reflects pieces of what dating is like today. [3] The divergence between dating and courting comes into play with who decides and approves courtships. Nowadays, the people themselves make decisions and approvals. Back in colonial times, the parents played a crucial part in determining courtships, which often underlay prearranged marriages. [3] If the lover decided to stay the night, the couple would either be separated by a board or required to sleep in sacs to prevent sexual activities. [3] Because families usually only had one bed, it was common that the couple would be sleeping in the presence of the parents. [4]

            Today, dating has become more free. An individual could have many boyfriends or girlfriends—hopefully not all at once—and there is no real attachment to a person whereas in courtship, the idea of marriage is entertained. Dating is a way for people to get to know one another and experiment. I am not saying that everyone falls within this category, but many people nowadays date whomever they wish without their parent’s consent. The parents play a small part or no part at all in deciding who would be a “decent match”.

            Although all of the knowledge I have relayed in this blog entry about dating comes from personal experience and from the experiences of those around me, I’ve noticed that dating in our time can’t be completely aligned with courting in the Colonia Era. Dating and courting are not synonyms. On further examination of these terms, I have come to find that courtship is more like being engaged to someone. Courting occurs right before marriage and is a phase in life that must be thought about carefully because it shows intentions of marriage. [1] However, dating is very casual.

            Another difference is that the male counterpart always proposed courtship. [1] Today, the line between “who asks who” out has been blurred—both men and women, boys and girls, ask each other out and the unspoken rule that the male should be the one to step forward is fading. I think this transition into a more flexible relationship before marriage was born from the fight for equal rights by women. By establishing equal rights, we have set a sort of precursor to the idea that women and men are nearly identical and when it comes to dating, the gender binary overlaps here and there.

            However, in some areas the path leading to courtship and dating can be very similar.  Women in colonial times were expected to be flirtatious, but reject sexual advances. [4] They were supposed to give off a kind of “double standard” where they had to be alluring yet pure. [4] Today, the period before dating can be very complex and confusing as well. Women hold a double standard today. We flirt but pretend we’re not interested, keeping our intentions hidden. [2] Men do the same. When we finally get around to asking someone out on a date, we disguise it as just “hanging out” instead of calling it what it is. [2] Rarely does it start with “Hey, I like you. Let’s go out.” The idea behind dating as blogger Lieberman puts it is “to not care”. [2] Because dating has become so casual, people are afraid of getting hurt—dating does not guarantee marriage the way courting does. As a result, teens have built a code where “whoever cares less wins” to prevent broken hearts and loose promises.  [2] In reality, we want to express our emotions and intentions. On the surface, we act nonchalant and cool. This way, if the situation moves south, we will come out with nothing more than a scratch. Both back then and today, we hold double standards although it may be for different reasons.

            Although I used to think dating and courting were two words for the same thing, I have found that they are not altogether uniform. I find courting to be more refined and definite when compared to dating. It is a stage where you know what to expect for the future—at least with more certainty. Maybe courting was more serious back then because casual public interactions between unwed men and women were so discouraged. As a result, people back then didn’t really get a chance to explore. Today, people have more freedom to date whomever they choose and it has altered the way this kind of relationship should be perceived. From what I understand, dating stands for a relationship that means “more than friends” but not quite “eternal love”.

Citations

[1]. Institute in Basic Life Principles, "How Does Courtship Work?." Accessed February 16, 2014. http://iblp.org/questions/how-does-courtship-work.

[2]. Lieberman, Charlotte. "Why Is College Dating So Screwed Up?." Cosmopolitan, February 10, 2014. http://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/relationship-advice/college-dating-screwed-up (accessed February 14, 2014).

[3]. Moore, Crystal. “Sex in Colonial America”. Charlotte: The History of Sexuality in America from the University of North Carolina at Charlotte. Accessed February 14, 2014.

[4]. Paltier, Melissa, "History of Sex: Don Juan to Queen Victoria," Watched on California State University, Fullerton website, Web, http://distance-ed.fullerton.edu/bbpresentations/Karul_Ketchum/4his_sex_from_don_juan_to_queen_victoria/player.html.